Ride on Laxitive

I've been working in the Ferry Terminal for about a week and I've noticed that ferry passengers are always shitting in the bathroom. When I use the public toilet the seat is always warm and today there were some "track marks" in the potty. Does all that ferry boat tooting and the waves of Puget Sound rattle one's digestive track? Are there not adequete toilet facilities on the other side of these ferry destinations? Is it all outhouses and yesterday's newspaper in Bremerton?
I need to look into this.

*tip

I read that if you're out of toilet paper it's advisable to take a wad of newspaper and soften it in your fist for 15 minutes and then wipe. Next time you're out just pull out last week's stranger and an egg timer!

With my current room mate packing up his room and who knows who moving in, I've decided to listen to my favorite Paul Anka song and decided to dream, dream, dream,dream, dream, dream up my ideal roommate. Let me know if this person exists!

Qualities for an ideal roommate:
Will check my boobs for lumps
Will tell me if weird bumps are ingrown hairs, zits, or genital warts
Compulsively purchases items from TV infomercials so that one day I will be fully stocked with food dehydrator,routissuire cooker, and bacon wave
spray tan (*tan people like to party!)
InTouch subscription
Frequently plans cheese cake factory dates
Has touched Ben Lashes's penis
Owns seasons 1 and 2 of Veronica Mars
Will help me pluck out those 3 or 4 unseemly chin hairs that I just can't see from any of my plucking mirrors
Professionally trained masuesse/dog masuesse who does NOT work from home
Hot (available, no "open relationships" either, those are for gamers) cousins, brothers, stepbrothers who may need to crash from time to time
Understands that liking black licorce is a true character flaw

I'm really geeking out today. I've started some meaningless employment recently -so that I can hope to one day fund a more meaningful future- and today I was issued an apron. I've always wanted a job where I got to wear an apron. I felt so gyped that I had to wear a vest at Value Village, ther's jsut not the satisfaction of front pockets that aprons offer. Is there anything better than standing around aloof, streching your hands as deep into the pockets as they'll go and swaying back and forth on your pelvis?
It has got to be one of the top 10 best sensations of the slacker culture.
I'm thinking of adopting the lifestyle of Ethan Hawke in Reality Bites. Except I will not be fired for stealing a snickers. Only tards get caught.
Oh, and smoking, that aint for me, so I'll spare my Winona the "you, me, a cup of cheap coffee and some smokes" routine. Though I'll take the coffee.

Anyone know any unemployed waifs I can dedicate Violent Femmes songs to?

I was looking for a job and I found a job, but for the love of Joseph Gordon Levitt it's so boring!!