Curse You Leonardo!!!

God, I was all jazzed that someone made a movie about how those jerks at Zales will cut an African's hand off if they catch him sneaking out of the mines with diamonds on the soles of his shoes/feet (doubt most of them have the luxury of zapatos). And jazzed that the awesome angry dude from In America was in it.
Aren't you so totally shocked that I care about social issues?
Too bad they ruined a movie that had the potential to make me cry worse than The Joy Luck Club by putting Leonardo freakin' Dicaprio in it. And with a really shitty Afrikaaner (?) accent.
So for now the riegning fucked up diamond movie will have to remain The Rescuers
I mean, taunting an adorable teddy bear for treasure? shoot, it aint his fault he's getting crawled around on a crazy adventure by a damn orphan.


Thanks for blowing your load, DiCaprio.

Oh, and if any of you buy diamonds for your girlfriend or family matriarch so you can watch their face light up like they just passed a stool for the first time in weeks, I HOPE YOU CAN SLEEP AT NIGHT.

Hey, I work at 7 am on Saturday and Sunday. Help me help me by NOT inviting me out, not calling me to meet you at the bar at midnight. You may leave me drunken voice mails and dedicate kareoke songs to my ghost, but I will only come out and whoop it under the following circumstances:

-you are with David Bowie and you are pretty much convinced he would let me sit on his lap
-you are going to put out
-you are haging out with Kristen Bell (TV's Veronica Mars) and she is drunk and admitting that she is a preemie


-Jackie Hell is at the Crescent and just put in a slip to sing Mmmm Bop


-two words. I mean three. Free Buffalo Wings
-you have a hot, fairly disease free friend who is going to put out. Maybe his name is say, Gael?


-someone is having a really rad party...with a bounce house!

Otherwise, I will try my damnedest to resist you, all you irrestiable yous on these, the weekend nights.

PS also let me know if Macaulay Culkin is in town, I'm dead serious about him being in my "who I'd like to meet"


Why should Larry King have all the fun?

I Test

I think that I may need to get new glasses before my health insurance kicks in. Many of you may not even know that I have been perscribed corrective lenses.
Observe:

When I did have them I was not required to wear them at all times leading some of you (KEEHNAN) to call me a "faker".
Lately I've noticed that due to my lack of appropriate eye wear my vision is lessening.

For example, while googling who knows what I came accross this image and thought to myself ooooooooooooooh, a pack of happy go lucky Brittany spaniels. My how I miss my spaniel friend Krackers.

But they aren't spaniels, THEY'RE BOER GOATS!
I think I need a seeing eye bitch to get myself to Lens Crafters.

That's not a goat, it's a dog, right?

I'm gettin' all Veronica Mars about the new Transgender character on All My Children.
I'm not sure if Zarf has appeared on the show yet since I don't actually watch All My Children, but I'm convinced the actor playing the androgynous rockstar who's come to the town of uh... AllMyChildVille? to complete gender re-assignment surgery is none other than home maker extraordinaire, BRINI MAXWELL!!!!


Jeffery Carlson my ass, I know it's you in there, Brini!

If I ever have the pleasure of stumbling across an episode of All My Children featuring Zarf and notice a certain Martha Stewart-esque flair for home upkeep and party hostess-ing I will be sufficiently convinced. I think the entertainment industry is so afraid to out it's secret gays it's just recycling the old outies under new names so they can pretend more people are out....

or no?

Man, am I bad at creating conspiracy theories or what?

The best way to celebrate trading you less than specatular boots from Value Village for a SUPER RAD pair at another VV a month later is....
Watching Judge Judy while listening to "Meeting Paris Hilton" by C.S.S. in just your "new" boots and black panty hose and pretending you're Bebe Neuwirth in a smash hit broadway musical!!!!!





P.S. New York, I do not understand your charactitures. In the west coast we only draw people doing real things, like riding in dune buggies. What's this jazzy shit?

In the past year he's lost a bull dog and a pig...from the dreaded gypsy curse of AULD AGE!!!
Why else would an 18 year old pig keel over? It was living a better life than most of us, observe:


Shit, you think any of my friends have hair that good? I hear his hair excretes its own unique oils and conditioners, the likes of which scientist hope to relicate by 2012.


"It's been a bad year for my pets. I had a bulldog die, too. Thanks for nothing, Gypsies"

Hang in there George, the Gypsy's are still mad at you from stealing Paul Giamanti's academy award. We all know they are responsible from for "Giamania", the obscene number of movies with Paul Giamanti we've been clobered with in the past 2 years.

It could be worse Cloonies, they could have made rubies come out of your ass every time someone called you out on your aged sexiness. Damn that's a lot of rubies.

To all ya'all who are trying to make your kids steal Maddox's flavor, it's not gonna work. In this week's Star magazine there's a feature on some dude from All My Children (and aparently a Harlem gentrify-er) with some wannabe baby Maddox kid. Givin' your kracker ass baby a mohawk and screen-printed psuedo disigner jeans does not make you look good. Please stop imposing your metro-sexual tanning bed ways on your 4-6 year old children. And for the love of god, don't try to make your kid go punk in a cheap J.C. Penny baseball tee with flames on it. You should be extra ashamed of yourself, at least when you see a baby in a Misfits onesie you can laugh about it, like, hah that baby is hardcore. But the flames? That says, "that baby's parents are dicks who think they are bad ass and has a grim future".
Babies aren't supposed to be cool. They're supposed to learn how to not shit themselves and how to eat solid foods. They do not care about looking bomb in lacoste hats too big for their tiny baby heads (Sean Preston, I'm talking to you).
Man, I'm glad my parents didn't make me look like a total douche.
Is there a Hallmark card for that?
Shoebox greetings, get on it!
How about this?

"Here's a symbol of my graditude for you not dressing your babies like douches. I may be a mere cat, but this makes my life infinately more rewarding."

Why, what's that jingle jangle sound?
Why, that's the clang of feminism in my pocket!

In an effort to fight the patriarchy, I'm resolving from now on to trade in all my George Washington one dollar bills for Susan B.'s and Sacagawea's. Who's with me ladies? Did you know that we here in America are the last country to have the dollar in bills? And why is that? Because there's no dollar coin with a MAN on it. Think about it!!!! Consider those Cathy comic-esque exclaimation points, I'm just that frazzled over the situation!!!!!! First women have nothing to wear to work despite a closet full of clothes, then they have to lug a bunch of white men around with them all day!!!!!!! Forget the fluffy light weight of the dollar, the fun of folding it in half and tilting it for a game of "sad Washinton happy Washington". Make like the post office stamp vending machines and switch to our convenient founding mothers of this country! That fold-y bill game is more fun with Lincoln! "Before abolition/after abolition"!!!! Now that's something to frown/smile about!!

Another great thing about lady money is that Susan B's are octagon-y so blind people don't have to worry about giving someone a twenty as a tip on accident at Starbucks! This could make our nation a better place. We all know those fuckers are Starbucks are over-tipped! Don't get me started on those money grubbers at Tully's. The minute you open your purse to pay for that non fat carmel latte they know the whole contents of your billfold!!! And that oh my tip jar is so empty routine? Yeah, it's empty cause they dug out all the fives and fifties and left the sad green pennies and quarters flatened at the railroad tracks!!!! I'm on to those mischevious coffee slinging scamps!!

Come one sisters of the monetary revolution!! Swap your Georges with me!!! I'll meet you in line with all the grannies at Bank of America. Except I'm not using mine to give bratty grandbabies underappreciated cash gifts, I'm using them to fight the man!!!!

Cunt power!!!
IN COIN FORM!!!!