Sure, guys in Capitol Hill are known for their sexy I don't Give a Fuck messy hair, jeans so tight you can measure the length of their penis, and generally appealing aloofness. All of which drive the ladies wild and forces them to invest in scented panty liners to hide their excitement. But there is a murky truth that lurks behind most of those denim leggings. Many of them are just bogus straight dudes, not the artists and musicians who's tastes are currently being appropriated by men waiting to pump you full of VD.
So, I would like to offer a de-coder to all the ladies out there who are having a problem distinguishing between the cheap nutria imitations

and the real, luxurious mink you can proudly flaunt.


Okay, here's what I've got:

He won't let you touch his hair

He won't shut up about graffiti stencils he plans to make

He seriouslyasks you if you think he could be in Sweet Action while flexing in your hallway mirror

He asks you "Ever micro-wave a laser disk?"

You are at his house and see any of the following:
The Johnny Cash Gives the Finger to Nashville Poster
The John Belushi in The College Sweatshirt Poster
A row of Adam Sandler movies

He asks if he can "do stuff to you while you're sleeping"

He tries to coin his own colloquialisms like, "Does a Tree Grow in Brooklyn"

He drinks Mountain Dew (this is never okay, no exceptions)

You meet him by him yelling at you from the across the street, "Want to come party?"
(this makes you the dreaded "Holla Back Girl")


BEWARE!!!